I don't know what it is but I feel that this year holds some spectacular energy and that it really is going to be amazing. I'm just not tapping into that energy right now.
Just a few weeks into the year, and I've already started to go through some major changes in my life. I gotta be honest - It's uncomfortable. Like a trip to the gynecologist is uncomfortable. Like the dentist is uncomfortable. Bearable, necessary, yet "when is this part gonna be over" uncomfortable.
I'm not usually the type to waver in a decision, but I'm just taking my time to figure out whether or not to move to Los Angeles. I've put a pin in it because emotionally I feel like I've gone through the ringer. And as much as I keep trying to remind myself that I'm a FIREWORK, I kinda just want to be in my bed this very minute.
Why am I feeling this way? I'm just thinking about how my much anticipated trip to L.A. went from total excitement to wanting to get on the next flight home.
My trip didn't start as planned* but I put on my SuperMujer cape and said, "I will go it alone!" [insert resounding superhero voice here.]
Then here's what happened: outside of the awesome people I spent time with (I am thankful for you!), my experience was colored by fear and loneliness when I didn't have those awesome people around me. Fear and loneliness are the world's worst travel companions.
As a result, I didn't give the place a real chance. I didn't allow myself to see it because my eyes were clouded by Fear and Loneliness, who had their meaty hands covering my eyes. I haven't given up on it though- that's why I need to go back to California at least one more time before I make my final decision. I also need a real vacation, but that's another post.
I'm trying to remind myself that I went out to L.A. alone and that in and of itself was courageous. Like, pound my chest courageous. Like I'm King of the friggin' jungle courageous. And I need to keep telling myself that, over and over, acknowledging the big step I took.
It was also brave to allow myself to communicate my plans and let others guide me and connect me with new people. I allowed myself to rely on others for advice, to meet up with me, etc. I allowed myself to be helped. Another huge accomplishment for someone like me.
This trip let me know that I CAN do it. And I can do it alone. There's no doubt about that. The only question is, do I want to? [Insert pin here.] The reality is, I will have times when I'm not busy with work and I will want to turn to my family and friends. And I don't want Fear and Loneliness chillin' in my L.A. apartment during those times. So this little pin is just there to help me sort out my feelings, and to give those asses the boot.
While I manage my discomfort with all this change, I remind myself (lots of self talk) that this is how we grow and become the people we are meant to become. This is necessary. This is how we take care of ourselves, by going through uncomfortable changes that will nurture the seeds in us that are ready to flourish.
*Sorayu & Che couldn't make it because of her work schedule, the actors who had started to plan this trip with me flakedr; Buttercup is recording her album; and I didn't bring my mother for fear she would see a bad neighborhood and panic, etc.