I need a "Why You So Obsessed With Me" T-Shirt

I love those shirts with the SLOGANS on them. I used to wear one that said “Pissed.” I wore it almost all the time. I also have an “Everyone Loves a Puerto Rican Girl,” shirt. I recently purchased, a “Wise Latina,” shirt.  I love these shirts. I know I’m not a kid, but who cares? I can be EXPRESSIVE with my clothes whether I look like a doof or not. And I can be expressive in my blog, whether any one reads it or not. Of course my blog page is not written across my chest....


Even though my blog is mainly one of my creative outlets, (much like the t-shirts are at times), sadly, I have become OBSESSED WITH MY BLOG. Seriously. I know that when a new toy comes around like, lets say, the Internet (um, it was a new toy for me eleven years ago, ok people), and internet pages like MiGente, AIM, Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Blogger (the order in which I discovered these wonderful toys) there is a honeymoon period. I become a fiend. I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF, I MUST SIGN ON, CONNECT WITH USERS, UPDATE, ENHANCE, UNTIL ... I GET OVER IT AND MOVE ONTO THE NEXT THING.


The honeymoon period with Blogger and Twitter has surpassed any prior obsession with my toys (Please note, I’m more obsessed with the internet now than I ever was). Why is this? Well for me, the two are connected. MY WEBSITE WHERE I BLOG IS MY SOAP BOX. Twitter is a portable soap box. Perhaps others feel the same way about social networking sites and tools that they implement on a regular basis. And maybe I’m not the only person who feels so passionately about their “soapbox.” AM I WRONG?


So how do we get to be so obsessed? WHAT IS THE APPEAL OF TELLING THE MASSES WHAT YOU'RE DOING? HOW YOU FEEL? YOUR OPINION? Is it validation? Is it a popularity contest? Is it the notion of celebrity? What is the motivation that makes these social networking sites so desirable?


Maybe it’s the approval or attention. Perhaps it’s the constant flow of information that overcomes our attention deficits. EVERYTHING IS A HEADLINE. A lot of the sites have status updates ... We give the equivalent of sound bites to grab the readers attention, whether they're real friends or internet "friends." THESE SOCIAL SITES ARE ESSENTIALLY ENHANCED VERSIONS OF THE GRAPHIC T-SHIRTS WITH SLOGANS. Except in the real world we don't change our shirts over 10x a day.

We are, in a sense, running commercials about different facets of who we are. And for some of us, there's a price tag attached to the amount of viewers we lure into our little worlds. But maybe IT’S NOT AS SUPERFICIAL AS IT SEEMS. MAYBE IT’S ALL ABOUT ESTABLISHING OUR VALUE - BOTH QUANTIFIABLE AND INTANGIBLE.



*ugly t-shirt design created by me specifically for this post.

"Thick Lustrous Hair Is Very Important to Me"

George Costanza's character from Seinfeld had it right.

As a woman, healthy hair is important to me too. We have it hard. We can't have hair in some places and in others we need to have an abundance of it. So we go to great lengths to achieve this "beautiful" balance. Although ideally I'd like to give certain social norms the finger, à la Frida Kahlo, but I'm a sucker like everyone else. I'd rather look like a Kardashian.

Perhaps this is the result of looking a lot like Frida for many years or being called Kojak as a child, because for a long time I had no hair (its ok, you can laugh – my mother made me wear all kinds of hats until I grew a full head of hair).

I remember being tortured at bath time because I had to have endless hair treatments - all Mirta de Perales products. Eventually my hair grew very long and thick (so did my eyebrows, but let’s move forward, shall we?).

Fast-forward twenty plus years and I've damaged my hair incredibly. Dye, flat irons, curling irons, blow driers, hair spray, mousse - my hair is protesting! Sometimes I fancy cutting it all off (just like my fave Frida painting), but I don't have the guts. Instead I try to manage with limp curls, monstrous breakage, frizz disasters, and desert-dry hair.

I have tried a variety of products that promised healthy hair: Katira Hair Masque by Philip B., Pantene, Redken, and my usual Garnier Fructis or TRESemme. I even tried olive oil, then mayonnaise ( like that flick with Julia Roberts), but that was a smelly, drippy process.

Garnier & TRESemme are still my faves and the most cost effective. I'm also listening to my grandmother’s advice (who had jet black shiny virgin-hair until she was 70) and am using " Aceite De Mos-Ka," whatever that blue concoction is. Since I'm back to square one with hair repair, I'm going back to my roots - literally. I'm using Mirta de Perales . I've been using the "S Oil treatment" that smells of strawberries and finishing with the Hair dressing cream. It makes my hair feel very smooth. This is just my second week, though. Let's see if my hair livens up with the weekly treatments. I really hope this works!

If you have any suggestions on how to regain long thick and healthy lustrous hair, I'm all ears...

In the meantime, I'll keep you posted on my hair-reform journey!

*Photos are of  myself and of products in my home

**The commentary on the above-mentioned products are my honest opinion and I have not been solicited to endorse these products in any way. I have no affiliation with these products/companies whatsoever. I am simply a consumer.

Drowning In Anti-Aging Products

My mother told me that after 20, I would start to see a whole lot of changes. I never once believed her. But she was right. My body has changed; I've become curvier, it’s harder to lose weight, I've notice wrinkles and dark circles. Basically I'm falling apart. Great.

So besides amping up my wardrobe to suit my figure, I've been trying skin-care products  that I hope will slow down the swift aging process.

My mother swears by Jergens cream,  Palmers cocoa butter and Vaseline (petroleum jelly).
She wears it day and night. Now, the shine isn’t  always flattering, so she uses it as a base. It’s a very greasy base, but you know what? My mom looks amazing and nowhere near her age. 


 Since it’s a method that works, I also started using Jergens and Palmers, but Instead of Vaseline, I use Aquaphor. I apply these concoctions to my face at night. My mother thinks I should try Jergens during the day but I'm not so sure. I try not to put any greasy cream under my makeup during the day, because it makes my blush look less "dewy" and more "Cabaret."


 I cleanse my face with ice cold water mixed with vitamin E cream at the suggestion of my sister  which helps wake up my face. She also gave me this Harmony lotion that has jojoba oil (that I love) but I cannot find it anywhere.

When I want to pamper my skin I douse my face in coconut water which I learned about in an article of a VS model.  I just don’t know if any of that is enough? Or too much?

Beside the Harmony lotion, I like the Aveeno facial lotion and under eye cream (I thought it was better than the Oil of Olay tinted under eye cream I tried previously because it seemed to mask instead of repair). Nevertheless, I can't tell whether the Aveeno under eye cream is making a difference. And what about the lotion? It makes my face smooth but I think I need something better for use during the day - something that will rejuvenate my sensitive-aging-combination-

olive-skin and bring some youth underneath my eyes.

Any suggestions?

*Photos are of products in my home.

**The commentary on the above-mentioned products are my honest opinion and I have not been solicited to endorse these products in any way. I have no affiliation with these products/companies whatsoever. I am simply a consumer.

Women of a Certain Age

I remember being in law school and my roommate said, "aren't you going to put on makeup?" I told her that I wasn't and she said "women our age can't get away with that anymore." At the time I was only 22 so I didn't think I fit into that category (but it should be noted that law school kicked my ass enough that I really did need makeup). Well I sure do believe I fit into that category now.

How do I find the right makeup? Is all this mineral stuff actually better for your skin? What's the best makeup for someone concerned with 1) slowing down the aging process, 2) looking ones best, and 3) not spending a ridiculous amount of money to do it?

I like to look bronzed, dewy, and fresh. Basically, I'd like to look as vibrant as I did at 18, without over doing it. Where's the magic makeup for that?

I love my Maybelline Colossal Mascara - and now they have a waterproof formula that I just adore. My fave lip gloss is LipFusion (but I can't use that too often or it will dry out my lips). For special occasions I keep my YSL lipstick in tow, because it makes me feel fancy .. and sometimes that's what its all about - how you feel, right?


Other than that, I don't really have any staples or any good ways of hiding those dark circles or to de-emphasize the small wrinkles that are vetoing my face. Any thoughts?

*Photo is of one of my make up bags.

**The commentary on the above-mentioned products are my honest opinion and I have not been solicited to endorse these products in any way. I have no affiliation with these products/companies whatsoever. I am simply a consumer.

The C Word

Cancer. Its scary. So many people in my life have suffered through it, (My Aunts on both sides, Friends who have life-changing procedures...) or died because of it (my Uncles). It freaks me out to think someone even closer to me could have it. It scares me to think that a roll of the dice and boom, I could be next.


I've had this weird skin condition on my ankle for about 2 months. I've picked at it, and it becomes a fresh wound each time. It doesn't heal - it just keeps scabbing over. I didn't understand what it was - is this a mole? Is it a weird raised scab? What? So I go online to research it "scabby mole." Going online for answers instead of to a Doctor is the #1 worst thing anyone can do. Of course all the google results say "cancerous." What?!

So I panic. I go through a list of Dermatologists (because the one I went to in Manhattan for my sweaty hands kinda sucked) and find one open on Saturdays. She gave me a whole body check up and checked my scalp. She was nice and thorough, but outside of the exam room she was barking at her team. And while my arm was in her hand, she stopped looking at it and had a convo with her assistant while the gown was around my waist, boobs out ("great" I thought).

Anyway, she said I was fine. She looked at the scabby mole thing, said it was benign and that it could've been a mosquito bite healed wrong or a nick in the shower that healed funny. She numbed it, removed it, and sent it for a biopsy just to be sure. So I'm gonna be ok!

(Woot Woot!)


But I think this is the universe's way of nudging me - be careful in the sun! Wear sunscreen! Don't go out when the suns rays are strongest! Take care of your skin! I will. And I do. I wear sunscreen daily and I'm going to amp up the SPF I use from now on.

Sicky

When I'm sick I become a baby. My mother has always been the best nurse (not a real nurse, but a mom-nurse, ya know?) and I don't think my partner will ever measure up. Don't get me wrong - he really tries, but he doesn't have a strong nurturing side (especially when he wants a massage and I feel like death). Do any men really have that side? That nurturing, attentive, patient side that is able to deal with whiny little sick people?

I don't know.

But moms, they just have it. The slightest touch on my forehead for fever, and I hurl myself (not literally) into the fetal position welcoming a world of comfort & pampering. Moms rule!  Did I mention I'm a grown-ass woman? Right. That I am. But I'm not afraid to admit that when I'm sick, and I'm given the opportunity to be taken care of, I crumble into a small child. I don't know if I'll ever grow out of it.

Being sick sucks. Being taken care of - well, that's just plain awesome.






*a picture of my sad sick self. 

Anxiety - a sneaky little wench

After I started blogging, life became a little easier. I got to vent into this cyber world and not worry about curbing what I needed to say. That helped tone down the stress in my life. Then, when I started the acting classes, my worries about how much I hate my job and finding a new job subsided. So there was even less stress! Focusing my energy on doing what I love is a breath of fresh air.

However, the air isn't fresh all the time.  I've found two things I love to do but that doesn't take away from the fact that I'm still doing this one thing I hate.

I don't love the law. I think that's sad. I worked so hard to pass those damn bars, just to whisper to myself, "FCUK this," every chance I get. I don't love litigation. But I deal with it. Would I try transactional legal work? Perhaps. Would an in-house position be better than being at a law firm with the damn billable hour? Maybe. Can I get there NOW? The odds are against it.

I don't mind doing the work - for the most part. And some of the partners I work with are actually very understanding. I just have no motivation to do be there. I'm on the trial lawyer track and I want to jump off the train.

Knowing that I don't want to do this is all fine and good. But when I realize how unmotivated I am, I start to panic. I ask myself, "am I even doing a good job?" Even though I hate what I do, I still want to do it well.

So I start wringing my hands. It would be nice if I could just quit. I can only revel in those unrealistic thoughts for about half a second, because then another kind of anxiety hits:  money. Why would I quit in this economy? What if I don't find another job quick enough? Yada yada yada.

Friggin' nerves.

Then I sober up and understand that I'm a bit in limbo here. I tell myself I just gotta plow through it.

But if I've learned anything in this life, its that you don't want to say, "I got through it." Rather, its better to say (and to know) "I lived."

*picture of caged birds at my grandmothers home. 

You left your guilt on the floor and I tripped right over it.

You left your guilt on the floor and I tripped right over it.

I work full time at a job I hate, I'm driving around with this ludicrous idea that I should be an actor, I have responsibilities to my family that I am not able to shrug off, and I waste precious time blogging or editing my blog. I might as well go into the subway and yell into the station about my day and about my dreams.

I DO A LOT.

My hours at work are crazy, and yet - I drive my sister to work practically every weekend, and I run around doing errands for my mother, on my weekend – the only time I have for myself.
My boyfriend feels neglected because I don't go to see him; my friends feel neglected because I don't go to visit them; my family feels neglected because I don't have more time for them.

 

I FEEL NEGLECTED.


I should be psyched about my trip to Aruba. I'm not. I should've gone alone. Or I should've opted out. There's too much to do and no time to do it.

I've got to find more time. The roof needs to be done, the apartment needs to get rented, and there isn’t enough time. I've got to get a new job, I've got to take more acting classes, I want to start painting again, and there isn’t enough time.


I CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. I AM HOWEVER, VERY GOOD AT FALLING FOR GUILT TRIPS. AND SO I TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE.

I need more time for ME. Why? Because I WANT TO ACT. And I LOVE MY BLOG.

I appreciate my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. How can I show them this without sacrificing ME?

I just NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME RESPECTING MY OWN NEEDS, wants and desires. Even if it’s unsettling to those around me, and even if everyone isn’t happy with the result all the time.
THEY GOTTA GET USED TO IT.

I am a supermujer. a normal person. I cannot do it all.


Have you ever felt that way?


*picture is of me at work

Awareness-Shmareness

This is one of my favorite Shakespeare quotes (from Twelfth Night). It keeps me motivated. But I only see it when it scrolls across my idle computer at work.

An astrologist once told me I often look at the horizon, rather than what lay before me. I was a college kid then, and I have since grown a great deal, but I think when it comes to my career, I still look at the horizon. I'm always want to be THERE at the finish line, instead of just being HERE, NOW.

Practicing AWARENESS is no easy task. Focusing on the here and now takes dedication and effort. It's just another thing I'm striving for.

Although I strive for it, I don't always succeed. Abandoning any notion of awareness I started to dwell on that horizon and asked an actor friend of mine whether I should get my head shots taken and start auditioning. Why? Because I want to get there already! My fast-track questions were immediately shot down. He essentially gave me the WISE MR. MIYAGI-KARATE-KID LECTURE. The, "white-wash the fence-first" lecture. I immediately understood, but there was that little voice growling, "UGH! Why?"

I know, I know. You have to learn how to walk before you can run. BUT I WANT TO RUN! So, in order to overcome these thoughts, which are obstacles that only lead to frustration, I try to to clear my head, focus and TAKE IN EACH MOMENT AT A TIME. That's all I can do.


DO YOU FOCUS ON THE NOW? HOW OFTEN DO YOU LOOK TO THE HORIZON?


*Artwork of quote was done by me. 

Let Me Introduce Myself

Recently, I've been working with my scene partner. She and I have a lot in common, and we discovered this through long emails wherein we discuss who we are, what we like and what we dislike. And so I had the grand idea that I should take the time to INTRODUCE MYSELF, to myself.

I have 3 hobbies: collecting quarters, completing my genealogy project and leading a virtual book club I formed. I AM A DORK, BUT I DON'T USUALLY TELL ANYONE. I stopped painting. I don't know why. Lack of time, maybe. I enjoy going to museums - the Met & MOMA are my faves. I love the arts - music & film especially. I love dancing. I love to travel. I must travel at least 4x a year. I am going to Aruba soon. Very excited.

I only exercise 2x a week but in my mind, when I research free exercise videos, I think that counts. I practice yoga, meditation and I go running. I love running. When the world is nipping at my heels, I RUN-IT-OUT. It's almost as effective as meditation for me.

I am very wrapped up in my responsibilities, and with my nuclear family, which consists of my mother and my sister. I have a strained relationship with my father but we have been working on that. I ALWAYS SEEK TO ACHIEVE A BALANCE in spending time with my family, my friends and my boyfriend of five years. However, I don't take enough care of myself. That is a constant goal.

I am pursuing acting. This acting thing is the first time I feel like I'm doing something for me. Acting is not a hobby. It's more of a DREAM FULFILLMENT. What else am I doing for me? I love writing and blogging. I love reading. I get very involved in movies, theater, books, and music. I am very sensitive to it. I give myself over to it and allow myself to become immersed in its world. I have no problem suspending disbelief - almost anything is possible. It's that gift that allows me to look at my world through a new set of eyes.

I am able to do a lot of DIY projects (ie putting up walls, etc.) But I loathe it. I had to learn many trades "by doing," which is part of THE CULTURE OF WOMEN IN MY FAMILY - WHAT I LIKE TO THINK OF AS AMAZON WOMEN. I love my culture - I love learning about it, talking about it and exploring my heritage (Puerto Rican, Spanish & Irish). These women I refer to, include my mother - she is my heritage.

I am the only person in my family to go to graduate school. I AM A BIT OF AN OUTCAST BECAUSE OF THIS. But I got a thicker skin because of it. I can be very callous when I'm in lawyer mode - I hate litigation. But nurturing my creative side makes it bearable. I loved teaching. I was very good at it. I will do that again one day. I like marketing. I do that every day on twitter. I like to flaunt "Her Deep Thoughts."

I AM LOYAL TO A FAULT. I went to therapy for 2 years and I believe I have evolved as a person. I realized that I gave too much and deserved more. I lost "friends" when I started to communicate what I needed from them and they didn't step up to the plate. I don't use that word "friends" lightly. The few that accepted my request and grew with me remained. I appreciate them, and I try my hardest to make time for them.

I BELIEVE IN GOD. I NEVER FEEL ALONE WHEN I REMIND MYSELF THAT THERE IS A HIGHER BEING, ALWAYS WORKING IN MY FAVOR - ESPECIALLY WHEN I FAIL TO REALIZE IT.


If YOU MADE IT THIS FAR INTO THE BLOG, I SHOULD APPLAUD YOU.


I'm glad I have taken the time to get to know me. Acting has allowed me to dive into what makes me tick, and I can really appreciate that. Now, DO YOU KNOW YOU?

*photo of me eating a burger in Puerto Rico

You Dirty Rat

I was walking down a Brooklyn block at 7pm on an ordinary Wednesday night. I was finally coming home from the office, exhausted and wearing my black trench, slacks and ballet flats. In my own little world, I start staring at my feet thinking that its a little brisk out and my feet aren't completely covered in the ballet flats, but they're cozy and dressy at the same time. Then I started thinking that I might stop by church to do a little how-do-you-do since I still had some time to before "Old Christine," started that evening.

Suddenly I saw what looked like a hairless teacup chihuahua from the corner of my eye. Jerked out of my day dream, I look up and realize that this is no dog but a hairless rat running in my direction. I tried not to panic, telling myself: I'm a human, its more scared of me and it will keep its distance."

But the bastard ran within inches of my foot! So I did what any sane City girl would do: I screamed bloody murder, leaped out of its way, doing an almost-olympic half-spin and slightly twisted my ankle.

Yes, I do believe this was an appropriate response. So what if people around me were laughing. So what if the kid behind me asked me, "miss are you ok?" I replied breathlessly, in relief: "Yes. It didn't get me."

I walked straight home - cautiously but swiftly.

How would you respond?

Hashtag Hell

Do you remember that "Stake It" episode from Will & Grace? Well I feel like I just went through that today:

JACK: [PANTING] So I went up to her, and I said... I said, "Excuse me. I don't mind you using stake it, but you do know that it's my catch phrase." And she said she's been saying "stake it" for years, that her sister's ex-boyfriend invented "stake it" in Chicago in 1994 while working in a plastic factory! But how can that be?


"Stakin' Care of Business" / Episode #4.11 / Scene I / Original Airdate 12/6/2001/ Written by Bill Wrubel /Directed by James Burrows / Transcript by Rob Durfee
http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/willandgrace/season4/willandgrace-411.htm

So change "stake it" to a hashtag and you know the gist of how my day ended. I've got my frequent Twitter miles and I find it to be all in good fun. Many people, however, make Twitter a lifestyle, a movement, and/or a business. I've never really taken it that seriously.

Twitter is a place where I can throw out my random ideas and people can read or ignore it, and I just get to promote "ME." I feel like I have the opportunity to say what I need to say in a cyber world where it's ok to say it. It's narcissistic - its my soap box - and I love it.

But if you have ideas that you want to protect, Twitter might not be the first place to go throwing them around. I've seen people put up lyrics to songs they are writing, and I wonder, are they protected? I guess one could say the same about blogging... but I digress.

Anyway, I am of the mind that once there is an idea in the universe, that energy is out there and another person may latch on to that idea without ever having seen you put your idea in motion. That's why we have copyright and trademark and yada yada yada.

I haven't taken a continued legal education course in TM in a while, but I don't think trademark laws have moved swiftly enough to cover #hashtags (I hope some of my fave legal bloggers cover this one).

So, what is a hashtag?

"Hashtags: a Twitter community creation ...[an] easy way to group tweets or add extra data... [a] hashtag is similar to other web tags- it helps add tweets to a category." http://help.twitter.com/forums/10711/entries/49309

Since hashtags are a way to group tweets together or categorize them, does it matter who starts the hashtag?

Well when I first started using twitter, I thought I'd made up this hashtag (an idea plucked from the universe of my mind). I searched it before I tweeted it and nothing came up, so I said, "It's Mine!" Recently someone else claimed that they made it up. So of course, the neurotic that I am, I went crazy searching twitter to find out when I started it - to get some proof to determine who did it first.

I spent two hours searching my past tweets on twitter and I only got as far back as July. JULY!!!! WTF?! (By the way October 2009 back to July 2009 is over 200 pages of my Tweets). Twitter needs a quicker way to search ones tweets. Seriously.

Obsessed, I wrote to the twitter enforcers:

"Is there a way I can receive the time/date of the first time I used [this] hashtag ...I'm an attorney and I am making this request in good faith...so that I may make an accurate representation to [the person who made the query]."

I' don't think I'm going to hear from them.


So after two hours of not-billing at my job, mad with this twitter search, I finally went home. Once I ate dinner, I realized I was still thinking about it. So, instead of going about my routine like a normal person (the gym, watch tv, etc.) I decided to see if there was a way to archive my posts - then BOOM! I found a free site that does just that! And it let me search all the way back to day one! woo hoo!

So after two minutes of celebration, I searched my archives and realized I started that hashtag after the individual said he started. Now, he didn't provide me with a pdf of his first tweet, instead he sent me a link to a blog wherein he discusses the month he started it. But that's all I need to believe. Why? Because this isn't a "movement" to me. And it is to him.

A hashtag is a way to categorize topics. And I won't lay claim to a categorization or a topic, especially if I didn't tweet it first. Fair is Fair, after all.

But I am reminded of the final scene from that Will & Grace episode:

JACK: Will! I got it! Watch. Stake it U.K! It's brilliant. It's British. I'm back.

[only moments later]

TRAINER: Hey! Come on, you guys. Stake it U.K.!


"Stakin' Care of Business" / Episode #4.11 / Scene X / Original Airdate 12/6/2001/ Written by Bill Wrubel /Directed by James Burrows / Transcript by Rob Durfee
http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/willandgrace/season4/willandgrace-411.htm

*Picasso-esque Tic Tac Toe artwork drawn by me, with no effort at all. LOL.